i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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