I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
