Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
