My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
