when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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