DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
