you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
