he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
