im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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