I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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