if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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