Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
