I wish I could teleport
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
