dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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