I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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