I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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