At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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