Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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