I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
