You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
