I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
