If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
