my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
