I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
