i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Actions speak louder than pants.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
