Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
