I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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