I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Randomize
