he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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