So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
my shit smells like andre
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
