You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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