if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
