this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
