I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
