Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize
