today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
