I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
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