Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
