Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
