was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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