Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
