Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
