I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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