I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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