Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
