Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I have already put on my inside pants.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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