omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
