Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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