Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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