life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
