he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
