Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
