I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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