i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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