I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
